2 years..down the line August 7, 2008

This is a bit of an overenthusiastic post on my part. But two years have passed since I first blogged. Precisely it was August 23 2006 when I started and look how it has grown! I mean, yeah it hasn’t grown that big like Google, but yes, it has been a handsome growth. To all those people who have liked my style of writing, thank you! And to all those people who have not, no thank you. I hope I will continue writing in such busy times, and you will continue reading my rubbish, illogical and rhetorical rants which have no meaning in real life, whatsoever.

Heres to more such wasteful times! Cheers!

How to beat the Inflation Heat June 25, 2008

What we believe is what we want to believe.

 These words were probably told by me in this very blog a few months ago. Although, I never anticipated such change of fortunes, I still was somewhat correct. Even though, the primary reason for such rise can be attributed to crude oil prices, which is not doing to much good to our deficit in Current Accounts, still, even a minor part of it can be because of us.

 Yes, us. The increase of so many food joints, retail explosion, technology advancements, product lines etc makes the word “Buy More” written in bold red letters in front of us, the buyers. Since, every year, with the budget, the finance ministers excludes people in certain income brackets from paying taxes, the virtue of thrift has become obsolete. Now, you may think, that I am slowly taking the lines of President Bush and his incomprehensible viewpoints, but when you do come to a point in your life when you somewhat agree to President Bush, you know the universe is wrong. And we need to correct it.

 By this time, you have probably understood, that my effective ways of reducing the villain of the story to ashes, are only but rhetorical and not practical in their true sense. But wait! After giving a lot of thought to the problems at hand, I have some quite simple ways of reducing the pinch of price rise which if implemented, can bear some fruitful results. Not for the economy mind you, but for your own self. Even if you are rich and filthy enough to not care, still, caring for inflation has become a fashion statement. Caring for inflation, is an absolute in thing. It is more like saving the world from global warming, adopting children from third world countries, doing aerobic yoga etc.

 Let us look at some of them.

 

1. Celibacy: This is the most effective and the most difficult method of the lot. You see, the amount of money we spend is directly proportional to the amount of people of opposite sex we interact with. Men need to project what they are not; they try to dress somberly, they try and implement manicures and pedicures, they do some funny things to their hair and what not. Obviously, cars and bikes, latest gadgets are something to be considered, but a large chunk does go for the chitchats in restaurants, and watching rubbish films all for the sake of that “special” someone. In case of women, my lips are sealed. If I were to comment on the likelihood of women spending quality time and money on beauty care only to impress Men, the feminists will be enraged. But if we were to seriously consider the reduction of opposite-sex interaction, a lot of inflation related problems could be solved. Women would find it very difficult to undertake complicated  shopping decision if they don’t have Men standing in one corner looking absolutely bored to death and Men would never need to spend time out of watching football in their televison which is quite a cost-effective activity.
2. Increase of Saas Bahu Serials: I understand that attaining efficient levels of celibacy is but a hard thing to do, especially, because it is against the Indian  norms. But, again not a problem. Increase the amount of Indian fictional television soaps and reduce the reality. This would progressively promote the need for starvation, to give long life to your husband. Or, women, if you don’t like the idea of starving for the husband, aim to attain enlightenment by starvation. In fact, I disagree now with my take on reducing reality television series. Increase them, to promote God, and God like attributes by the eternal tried and tested method of a perpetual struggle. The closer you are to God, the farther you will move from Inflation.
3. Say no to Communication: I also believe that a large amount of buyer spending is on communication. What is the need to get tangled in the world wide web? Or involving yourself in worthless conversation with another human being ? Human beings are but cynical, the world is made up of selfish people who don’t care this bit about you and your phone bill. You can do better things than living one-sixth of the lifetime talking to people you hardly know and in doing such better things, you can reduce inflation. Remember, you are doing yourself good, and the phone companies bad. Think about that poor little dog who keeps running around roads and ponds. Reducing inflation and preventing animal exploitation all at one go!
4. Know yourself: In creating full proof methods of isolation from people you will finally come to know who you are. What we are  possibly is only known to the subconscious mind. Don’t go out, don’t spend petrol/diesel, don’t read newspapers, don’t play squash in the club. Just try  to find yourself. In doing so, you may be able to find the genius that is hidden behind that face in the mirror. Who knows, may be you will find more ways to love yourself and that would do you a world of good, not to mention how much good it would do to the inflation situation.
5. Eat less, think more: Now would be the ideal time to utilize your isolated moments. With the global food crisis looming large and your weight issues getting bigger by the day, it is time to direct your energies to be fitter and finer. Reduce your visits to the nearest pizza outlet. Instead, jog to your nearest bank and invest and then don’t forget to jog right back to your house. Eating a lot of good food, reduces a lot of thinking prowess, because after every session of good food, you are already thinking about the next session and the contents of that. What would be more important now, is to think, understand and appreciate the inflationary situation and how you can do good things to ensure that they are in fact good. Utilise your time to think more about how to add more points on how to reduce inflation. And write to me.

A chilling discovery April 18, 2008

A few days earlier, I had discovered something quite extra-ordinary which up until that time hadn’t really struck me as something extra-ordinary. It happened in a small restaurant, near the university where students like us go to grab a bite in between or after classes. The restaurant is quite cheap, it has a cyber café, a pool table etc and like all small restaurants in dingy places in Calcutta, it has its fair share of small cockroaches roaming around the tables much to our disgust.

Well, anyway, though most people would go without food rather than eat in that restaurant, we of course cannot afford to do that. The classes take away every ounce of energy that we can gather from the morning, and replenishment is a necessity and not a luxury. This particular day, sitting at the table T found a small cockroach “eyeing her dangerously” through the corner of the table. In trying to find a better table without cockroaches we moved into another one only to find another cockroach sitting peacefully in another corner of that table.

Obviously, this inevitably led to a conversation. In fact, T points out that women in particular move from conversation topic to another conversation topic so fast that men find it hard to keep up with them. Although that is not the point of discussion at the moment.

C was completely amazed at us being afraid of those small little creatures. “Oh, it’s a small one! You guys are afraid of this? I cannot believe it”.

I just had to chip in. “I am just scared of the big ones that fly during the night”

C: Yes, those scare me too.

Me: But come to think of it. I haven’t seen a flying cockroach since the early 1990’s in my house. You know, when we had Doordarshan, and brokers and investors in stock markets involved themselves in floor bidding?

C was looking at me amusingly. “What has flying cockroaches got to do with the stock market?”

Me: 1990’s always remind me of that. India’s growth rate was low, Banks weren’t nationalized and we had five year plans. Yes, we used to have flying cockroaches at that time.

Now we don’t. In fact, we can now draw an inverse relationship with India’s growth rate and appearances of flying cockroaches.

T just hit me while losing control on her glass. “Can’t you see I am drinking water?”

Me (patting myself on the back): Oh! M! You are too good!

C: I still don’t understand the joke. What has flying cockroaches got to do with India’s growth rate?

H: By your calculations, the flying cockroaches may make a return quite soon, then.

The great collection of famous Mithun Chakraborty Dialogues February 7, 2008

 Two posts in quick succession, but I can hardly be  blamed. Actually this post had always been in the making, but because of the absence of vital data, it never got materialized. But now, after a lot of hard work I have finally got this.

The collection has to be credited to C. C is the extremely pretty dame, who is  always found to be increasing her lipstick collection, carrying an umbrella when there is no sun and poking other people with that in a crowded central Calcutta road, trying to find out whether fat-free popcorn is available, confusing people in a coffee shop by asking which sandwich has mayonnaise and which doesn’t, gorging on fat-free ice-creams and then founding out to her horror that it may not be fat-free, religiously jogging without taking breaks and then eating biryani, chocolate mousse, walnut brownie with chocolate sauce etc. Of course why she needs to diet is another important question which we all are yet to find out.

When she does however, successfully, manage to formulate an effective fitness regime, she gets into extremely high spirits. When she does get into high spirits, she likes to entertain us with her dose of observations usually hidden from our naked eye. One of the priceless things are her collection of Mithun Chakraborty dialogues  from recent Bengali films, which for some reason I can never watch on my television. Following is the complete list of unforgettable gems.

1. Public-er  maar Keyaratola paar.

This does not need translation. Although, this led to an extremely pertinent conversation..

Me: What is Keyaratola and why will public’s maar get you to Keyaratola ke paar?

C: You live in Calcutta and you don’t know Keyaratola!! It is a famous shamshan, after all.

Me: But I thought Nimtala was the famous shamshan,

C: Keyatola is also a famous shamshan in Calcutta. Nimtala and Keyaratala are two famous shamshans in Calcutta.

2.  Aami kukur ke biskoot, beral ke doodh aar criminal ke gooli khawai. Tai tara aamar payer kaache pore thake.

I feed dogs with biscuit, cats with milk and criminals with “goli”. That’s why they always reside near my feet.

3. Shaaper chobol aar cheetar khabol, jekhanei porbey arai  kg mangsho tuley nebe.

A snake’s sting and a cheetah’s paw, wherever one of these will land, it will carve out 2.5 kg of flesh

4. Abhimanyu Nag. Jal-dhora noi jaat gokhra. Ek chobolei chobi.

Abhimanyu Nag (character name) is not jal-dhora (supposedly trying to signify a harmless snake) but a cobra. With one sting, (listen to this, with one sting) you will become a picture.

Those who do not understand the significance of the word “picture” and its indication can contact me.

5. Nursery theke shuru, half-pant-e guru, full pant-e Mahaguru.

 From nursery school my personality development has started. When I wore a half-pant I was the guru, when I wore a full pant I became Mahaguru.

C’s reaction about this blog post.

” If I knew you will write about these dialogues before, I would have never befriended you in the first place”

Thank you, C. Applause audience.

Untitled September 7, 2007

  

I am sorry; I don’t seem to have a title to this piece. First, my brain is just so messed up with the whirlwind of exams gone by, that I have temporary lost some of my creative skills. Secondly, all the unique things mentioned below cannot be summarized with a single phrase since I suspect they are just random things which utterly jobless people do to remain utterly jobless.

• 1. It began in the last day of the examination. While writing, I seemed to think that today would be an end. An end, to the wonderful term I had, sitting and attending classes and to marvel at the eccentricities of human kind. I felt sad and disturbed. It was momentarily removed by the professor (mentioned here) who seemed to stand in the corridor with a cellphone in his hand, and using it like a walky talky and trying to pass on the message and then dolefully looking at the device because while using it in the walky-talky mode it didn’t seem to give him a worthwhile feedback. I smiled. Life was good.

                  Then it came back. The realization, that these distinguished gentlemen would become a thing of the past in the coming few weeks and we all would have to adjust to some new professors. Who knows, whether they would live up to the earlier professors who have instilled in us the belief, Eccentricity is infinite. Then while thinking this, a voice seemed to float about. Another professor (mentioned here) earnestly talking on the phone,”…listen I would be coming tomorrow. And I would be bringing with me, two senior citizens, two adults and two children.” And I sighed. This could mean that our professor was planning a holiday or a get-together. On the flip side, it could also mean that when he is not teaching, he likes to be Hannibal Lecter.

2.  The next day, we decided that to relieve ourselves from this ultimate depression we had to watch a good hindi film, because most good hindi films don’t require usage of brains. Chak De India, seemed to be a good bet. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, that Yash Raj Films seem to have some problem going on with the multiplexes, so the film is not running in the city’s multiplexes (except for Fame which is quite far away from my house). It has been eons since I went to a single screen theatre until last Tuesday. And it was fun.

 Single screen theatres are fun because of the people in it. There are enough things going on around you to get your mind away from bad seats or the lousy air conditioner. Like for example, the couple sitting beside me; the man seems to have watched the film before and thus recounts every scene to his female friend, dialogue by dialogue. Or the people who are so blinded by the camera work, that they keep on cheering every goal and every save as if it is a real game. Or like the man sitting beside me predicts the outcome of the penalty shootout before it happens and the women beside him groans and says,”Stop! Don’t say anything, can’t you see they aren’t scoring any goals?”

Single screen theatres are also fun because after the end of the film you can find out that a man has been sleeping throughout the entire film and is still sleeping even after the show has ended. He is still sleeping when people notice this and come towards him to snap pictures from their camera phones (to be used as souvenirs). He still takes a while to wake up, when the theatre staff comes up to him and nudges him so that he can leave the theatre.

• 3. Outside the theatre, there were around 20 people sitting on a fence. Actually, there were 10 people sitting on the right, and 10 people sitting on the left and in between them there was this huge white board with capital letters which read “SITTING ON A FENCE IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED”

We also noticed that there is not a dustbin in sight for about 2kms and that too in such a centrally located area in the city. So, we walked back for about 2 kms again to the theatre and thankfully found a dustbin.  Readers should note that “2 kms” may or may not be accurate, it may be more.

            My statistics knowledge tells me, that for every 4 good citizens, there are atleast 100 bad citizens. (This number is again not accurate, it may be more). So there are 100 bad citizens who don’t think twice to throw stuff in the roads, and about 400 citizens who would give up after not finding a dustbin within a proximity of 10 metres and throw it anyway. Now, the logic is, if the government cannot help to keep the city clean and put up dustbins, can it actually help in trying to reprogram the city’s bus drivers? They seem to think that people crossing the roads are for squashing, especially if an adequate number of mosquitoes couldn’t be squashed last night for unforeseen circumstances.

• 4. Never judge a book by its cover. You may have heard this proverb. But it is time to change it. The new motto should be, Never judge a book by its title.

         A quick visit to the library next day, helped me realized this, when I chanced upon the name of a book. It read A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers by Xiaolu Gulu. When I recounted the name of a book to a friend, she found the name Xiaolu Gulu very funny. May be she was expecting a Chinese born author’s name to be slightly different than this.

Readers are requested to give their opinions regarding whether they find anything remotely amusing regarding the title or the author and explain why. They are also requested to state if they don’t find this funny at all.

Now, I am a simple girl. First thing that came to my mind, is that this book was specifically for those who have a Chinese boyfriend or a Chinese girlfriend and want to impress him/her. In fact, some interpretations from friends suggest that “lovers” may not signify love interest, but love for the language in general, although I abide by my former interpretation. Interesting, you might say, and an absolute indicator of cross-cultural bonding.

Anyway, the thing is that I could end my post here and you could google the name to find out more (since you have a Chinese boyfriend or a girlfriend), or you may not, taking what I said was true. But since you have stuck with this post for so long, the least I can do is spill the beans for you.

People who have Chinese love interests would not find the book suitable, since it is not a dictionary (it is not “d” of the word dictionary). It is a work of fiction. A Chinese girl leaving her country and going to London, falling in love with an Englishman, and having her own dilemmas about her attitudes as well as others. And the book is written in bad English, deliberately.

I have never been so dumbfounded in my life, reading the first page of a book and now I have been dumbfounded, thanks to marketing.

So, moral of the story, Never judge a book by its title. And Never underestimate Marketing in any sphere of this world, even literary compositions.

My Evil Plans of World Domination. May 12, 2007

Since it has been a long time I haven’t posted anything and maybe in the coming few months I would be even more busy; desperately trying to submerge myself in the deep oceans of knowledge and endeavoring to uncover some of the mysteries posed by the subject of Economics and similar other big shot subjects, I have decided to spew some rubbish here for the benefit of the readers. 

 I don’t know how many of you have found the Evil Villain in books or movies making basic mistakes in their plans. In fact, now I can say that the efficiency level of evil villain might follow the Law of Variable Proportions. First it increases, then reaches constancy and then finally decreases to inevitable death.

 As unfortunate this may seem, the logical reason would be that in relation to time, Our Villain’s complacency increases, and degree of complacency is directly proportional to more chances of reaching an untimely death in hands of the so-called hero, who devoid of the talent and skill is still a hit amongst the ladies. 

Okay, so enough talk. What is necessary for any prospective Evil Villain is to devise an Evil plan which should be rock solid so that there are no loopholes. But as Murphy’s Law suggests, if anything can go wrong it will, care should be taken. So, it becomes necessary to create a back up plan, which can be used in emergency circumstances. This could be very useful in case of the idiotic, untalented, unskilled, underdog who in strange circumstances may be discovered as the son of the Evil Villain himself. That is also something, which needs to be looked into. Err, I mean no girlfriends for our Villain. That would sort of diminish the extreme evilness which is needed to be established thoroughly.

The Evil Villain has reasons for being an Evil Villain. He has solid reason for being Evil, and reasons are quite complex. In this sample of mine, the Evil Villain is just evil. His nature is necessarily evil and he likes to be evil. This is a complex psychological state of mind, which a layman would find difficult to understand.  

Anyway, to begin our plan, first we need to traumatize the people of the world. This is essentially important; because only through trauma will they sit up and take notice. The arrival of the Evil Villain has to be dramatic, extraordinary and terrible. With titles like “The terrible one”, “Demon straight out of the hell” this should be easy. The public should be stunned by the “Sadistic fiend” whose “Intelligence has been harnessed to create what we know today as the Computer”

Next up, is the employment of some mad scientists who are unemployed. Together, they will devise what is called Death Ray. Death Ray is something very complex. Through extensive stealing of plutonium and other radioactive elements, the creation of Death Ray is possible. Whoever is exposed to this terrible ray will die instantaneous death, yes, something which you could never have imagined.

  Needless to say, that such devastation from White House to World Trade Center would make all people to flock to the Evil Villain, begging to do his every bidding. His name would become synonymous with the Backstreet Boys. But, personally, the devastation unleashed by the Backstreet Boys was nothing compared to this small time Evil Villain of ours.  Finally the Opening of the Seven Seas of the Armageddon Clock, would spell doom. And if by that time the underdog hero vows to save the world before bedtime, our Evil Villain would have to fight with him.  Before that, it has to be made sure that the hero’s pet dog, monkey, lizard, elephant, hippopotamus, gorgonzola or whatever other cute animal that is capable of untying ropes, bringing keys is captured and killed. Then the Villain will throw a bottle of hazardous bottle of chemicals on the hero and he will be dead. So simple, why didn’t anyone else think about that before? 

And once his power is secure, he will destroy any pesky time machines that might be at hand. And so the end is upon us. 

If this entire plan is too complex for you there is another very simple one. Just enter a closet in your house and lock yourself in. And say “I have dominated the world and brought darkness”. Works all the time.