My Evil Plans of World Domination. May 12, 2007

Since it has been a long time I haven’t posted anything and maybe in the coming few months I would be even more busy; desperately trying to submerge myself in the deep oceans of knowledge and endeavoring to uncover some of the mysteries posed by the subject of Economics and similar other big shot subjects, I have decided to spew some rubbish here for the benefit of the readers. 

 I don’t know how many of you have found the Evil Villain in books or movies making basic mistakes in their plans. In fact, now I can say that the efficiency level of evil villain might follow the Law of Variable Proportions. First it increases, then reaches constancy and then finally decreases to inevitable death.

 As unfortunate this may seem, the logical reason would be that in relation to time, Our Villain’s complacency increases, and degree of complacency is directly proportional to more chances of reaching an untimely death in hands of the so-called hero, who devoid of the talent and skill is still a hit amongst the ladies. 

Okay, so enough talk. What is necessary for any prospective Evil Villain is to devise an Evil plan which should be rock solid so that there are no loopholes. But as Murphy’s Law suggests, if anything can go wrong it will, care should be taken. So, it becomes necessary to create a back up plan, which can be used in emergency circumstances. This could be very useful in case of the idiotic, untalented, unskilled, underdog who in strange circumstances may be discovered as the son of the Evil Villain himself. That is also something, which needs to be looked into. Err, I mean no girlfriends for our Villain. That would sort of diminish the extreme evilness which is needed to be established thoroughly.

The Evil Villain has reasons for being an Evil Villain. He has solid reason for being Evil, and reasons are quite complex. In this sample of mine, the Evil Villain is just evil. His nature is necessarily evil and he likes to be evil. This is a complex psychological state of mind, which a layman would find difficult to understand.  

Anyway, to begin our plan, first we need to traumatize the people of the world. This is essentially important; because only through trauma will they sit up and take notice. The arrival of the Evil Villain has to be dramatic, extraordinary and terrible. With titles like “The terrible one”, “Demon straight out of the hell” this should be easy. The public should be stunned by the “Sadistic fiend” whose “Intelligence has been harnessed to create what we know today as the Computer”

Next up, is the employment of some mad scientists who are unemployed. Together, they will devise what is called Death Ray. Death Ray is something very complex. Through extensive stealing of plutonium and other radioactive elements, the creation of Death Ray is possible. Whoever is exposed to this terrible ray will die instantaneous death, yes, something which you could never have imagined.

  Needless to say, that such devastation from White House to World Trade Center would make all people to flock to the Evil Villain, begging to do his every bidding. His name would become synonymous with the Backstreet Boys. But, personally, the devastation unleashed by the Backstreet Boys was nothing compared to this small time Evil Villain of ours.  Finally the Opening of the Seven Seas of the Armageddon Clock, would spell doom. And if by that time the underdog hero vows to save the world before bedtime, our Evil Villain would have to fight with him.  Before that, it has to be made sure that the hero’s pet dog, monkey, lizard, elephant, hippopotamus, gorgonzola or whatever other cute animal that is capable of untying ropes, bringing keys is captured and killed. Then the Villain will throw a bottle of hazardous bottle of chemicals on the hero and he will be dead. So simple, why didn’t anyone else think about that before? 

And once his power is secure, he will destroy any pesky time machines that might be at hand. And so the end is upon us. 

If this entire plan is too complex for you there is another very simple one. Just enter a closet in your house and lock yourself in. And say “I have dominated the world and brought darkness”. Works all the time.  

Dance of the Carpenter Bees II August 23, 2006

Strangely, one day, we finally found out that person who would alleviate us from such misery. Up to that point, all hope had bequeathed me, and I was convinced that one day I would have to leave my beloved house, because certain unwanted visitors had usurped my garden.  Of course at first the man refused to do anything, and said all the people to whom he had shown the bee-hive were petrified to say the least. But then the change of heart (read motivation for money) may have heralded second thoughts to his mind. He just came out of the blue one day, Sunday, and said he would do it by evening. 

Father: Evening? 

The man: Yes sir, evening it must be. In the morning, these bees can see and they will sting anyone who messes with their hive. 

Father had second thoughts. What if they just flee and don’t complete the work? Anyway evening came. And the man kept his word, much to the entire family’s (including me) surprise.

 Father: I want to meet your co-workers. 

The man: Err…They weren’t planning…sort of…to do any meeting as such 

Father: What? I am paying you money; I would like to know who these people are?  How many of you are there? 

Man: Sir, we have worn the necessary plastic garments…we really want to finish the job as quickly as possible.

 So, we all were in veranda, and not to mention me, who is a wimp at these situations. 

Me: Turn off the lights, close the door; we shouldn’t be here, what if they attack us? 

Mom: Shut up will you? 

Now I did manage to close the doors and windows and stuff and persuaded everyone inside. I couldn’t hear anything at first. They were talking amongst each other. After a while there was a hissing noise…like sssshhhhhh….kind of loudly. As if someone was cooking something..Then I saw it; through the translucent glass on the window…there was a flash of light..Fire! They had lit fire to the entire thing…obviously there wasn’t anything else they could do..and the bees started banging on the window..tut, tut, tut..loudly…I heard those people talking excitedly amongst one another. I just opened the door once, and saw the entire hive in flames, disintegrating and falling on the grounds with the bees hovering over it.  Next morning, we heard that some bees had managed to enter neighbours houses, causing them to panic. What could we do? We asked them to close their windows. And they did not. The man said that some of the bees had stung his co-workers and he was under medication. He also said, that the particular tree’s bark tasted sweet to these bees, and so they get attracted, and advised us to cut the tree and replace with another one. The strange thing was that, we never saw the faces of those other 4 men who had done such a life risking job, they just quietly came and did it, and then they left. Without even a word..

Dance of the Carpenter Bees August 23, 2006

I live in a very quiet part of the city, were neighbours rarely socialize with one another frequently. The place is probably a writer’s delight, it has this pristine quietness without any noise of traffic… and you often hear the footsteps quite clearly when someone opens the gate of your house. But sometimes quietness and absence of human touch may cause considerable harm, as I found out to my horror.

It was a night in September when I was doing some work on my computer in my room. And as winter slowly descends here, an eerie feeling always comes with it. Suddenly, I heard a clear zzzzzz… sound. A bug, probably saw the light and got attracted. Ignoring, I returned to my computer, and the zzzz continued. And then it got louder, and louder. I looked up. It wasn’t one, wasn’t even two or seven. There were loads of them, clinging to the lampshades, one on the top of the other. I quickly turned off my computer and the light, and so they moved on to the dining room. Ofcourse Mom is never hysterical in these situations, she is only paranoid about thieves and robbers, not bees. So, to control the entire situation we just turned off every light in our house, closed all the windows after our friends had left, and then returned to our daily lives

Next morning, I wasn’t even half-surprised to find “the bee-hive” in the garden, sitting pretty on the tree which yields funny fruit (which incidentally I detest). The gardener obviously refused to remove them, said they wouldn’t do any harm if you weren’t upto any mischief. So, the matter was put to rest. The bees stayed… 

But of course, if you study, you wouldn’t be able to concentrate with the constant zzzz….However, in the months of winter, the windows could be closed. But there was a catch. One day, I was studying, the windows were closed and I heard, another distinct noise. Little small tut, tut, tut on the window. The bees had seen the light from the translucent glass on the windows and they kept banging on it…so restless to get inside. I stopped studying in my room from then on.

So as winter wore on and summer came, it became nearly impossible to keep the windows closed. The room was beginning to be quite stuffy and the beehive had completely engulfed the tree, so to speak. Looking at them from the balcony sent a chill down my spine. One day they might start clinging on to walls, and then our house. Possibly rendering it inhabitable. Sometimes people came and enquired. The honey factor was predominant in their minds, but when the saw the whole thing, they disappeared never to be seen or heard from again. What I did come to know, that these weren’t regular bees from which honey is harvested. Translating them from local language to English, their names were carpenter bees. Honey from such bee-hives weren’t of any use, and they were extremely difficult to get rid off, because they were bigger and stronger, and their sting was far more effective than the ordinary ones. 

Nothing lasts forever though and every problem has a solution. What was probably strange on my part though, is the way a solution was achieved..To be continued..