Emotionally Not-Yours March 8, 2009

In a relaxed Sunday Afternoon, sitting on a bench across the open area of a famous shopping mall in Calcutta and looking at people passing by, P suddenly remarked

“You know, everybody in this world has a soulmate. And I am looking forward to finding her soon!”

Me: “You can’t be serious! Are you telling me that you believe the soulmate theory?”

P: “What is so wrong? I think there is a special someone for everybody.”

Me: “You have finally gone nuts, then. So, how do you plan to find this soulmate of yours? Will there be thunder? Lightning? Spotlight when she enters?”

P: ” Yeah. I was also hoping for some music and song and dance routine, you know. So that I would instantly know, its her.”

This conversation happened years ago. May be such a long time ago, that it wouldn’t seem to be strange at that age to discuss it. But quite frankly, as we grew up, or rather as I grew up, it is quite startling to find that not much has changed in this notion of soulmate which can be just laughed away or considered to be just a stupid, childish thought.

For a long time now, I have been seeing many of friends falling in and out of love. It is a strange feeling to watch and listen to their stories. Their everyday experiences, their happiness in the good times and their agony of the bad times. But most of the time, it is the latter which truly distresses me. Every one of these stories, mind you, start out to be the perfect romance of the century, promising to tear down all the boundaries and to be a worthy historical account  of greatest tales of love in the modern world of tall buildings inhabited by money mongers. But quite sadly, they almost always, end in a catastrophe.

The stories are all quite similar and familiar. As I said earlier, it starts being perfect, then people realize that the courtship period is over so that they can be themselves, and then they realize they don’t like each other so they have to treat the relationship as a burden which needs to be carried on. Finally, the volcanic eruption happens through the cracks, the molten lava comes out quickly and well, that’s the end of it all.

During the periods of unlimited bliss though, the lines are wonderful. “Oh, she has been a huge emotional support for me” or “I love him more than myself” and the like. And I sit and smile, and I wonder, why do people need an external emotional support when they have themselves? Or, can a man or a woman possibly love someone more than himself or herself? Is that really possible? I dare not read these questions aloud, because I already have a very bad reputation of being cynical person always crying doom when things are going hunky-dory. I know that. But emotional dependency on people is something so difficult for me to relate to, that it makes me say aloud, “You know, you shouldn’t be so emotionally involved”.

“Oh! I love him and very serious about this relationship. And besides what do you know? We are even thinking about opening joint bank accounts”

Yeah, that’s a pretty serious thing. It scares the living daylights out of me, you know. The idea of opening joint bank accounts with my boyfriend would pretty much rob me off my peaceful life.

But anyway, most people really don’t agree with me when I say this, that the moment you become emotional with something or someone, the end result would only be a very big disaster. It is because, that treating people with emotions makes us irrational. It pretty much makes us stupid. And stupid people don’t make good decisions or they don’t handle situations like smart people, who think logically. So the whole volcano and the molten lava story gets inserted here.

Emotions is not the correct E. The correct E is Empathy. One needs to understand that people are living beings and they have their own life where they need to play a lot of roles. Roles need to be prioritized, and since human beings are essentially narcissistic , we like to spend more time on those things which makes us happy and which are a lot of fun. Now if a relationship has been squeezed out of the fun factor, (and I don’t mean fun as a euphemism only), it is obvious that a role in that relationship would not be prioritized compared to watching football with the friends on a weekend. And for a relationship to be fun, it needs to less of the emotional baggage of the have-tos and the expectations of the should-haves. It is but only natural, that taking things slowly and enjoying the ride is the best way to go rather than conducting the merry go round all by yourself.

“Oh that’s a very crude way of putting things!” I hear you say, but unfortunately it is for the  better.

The plague called Optimism January 17, 2009

The title of the post will possibly raise many eyebrows, and I will try my best to send your eyebrows to Mars  after  you have finished reading it. Well, that’s an optimistic start.

The good thing about writing a blog is that you suddenly attain this position of authority, and yet  at the same time, distance yourself from the reality as if the situation in no way affects you. That possibly, you haven’t committed the same mistakes which you would like to point out here. It is so amusing to write,  to dictate, to prove the follies we commit, the fallacies associated with our lives and not be humble enough to accept our mistakes or rectify them.

For years I have wondered the state of mind of being “Optimistic”. What does it actually mean? And how is it supposedly superior to being “Pessimistic”? The Bear can make as much money as the Bull. Logically, the Bear will make money when the Bull will not. And vice-versa. But there is a counter argument to it, which says, even the Bear is “optimistic” about the bad times in market.

Human beings would always like to be optimistic. It is a good thing, to be optimistic, to hope that things will turn around, that there will be light in the end of every dark tunnel, to know what you are doing is always right and believe that it will yield results. But that is where the main reasons for debacle lie.

Look around you. Do you see good things? How is your life?  Does the future seem bright? No. No at this moment. No matter what status you have in your society, no matter how much you earn, no matter how secure your life is, the future does not seem too good.  But why? Why this is so, possibly lies in the instinct of human beings being  ”Optimistic”. The belief that things just cannot go wrong. The absence of humility that plagues us, erodes us every day, preventing us to believe, that we can go wrong.

This is not about always treating ourselves as failure. That is not the point I am driving at. The hindrance to development does not lie in the instance of thinking that we can go wrong. On the contrary, it might help us to reassess what we are doing or what we are about to do. This cannot be termed as second thoughts. But it is just giving us a space to look at things from a different angle, and to try to make all angles perfect. But our prejudice forbids us to explore.

We just cannot face up to the fact that we may be wrong, we may be incompetent and we may not possess appropriate skills. Sometimes, when we attain a certain age or status, learning is seen to be a matter of disgrace. I feel that the word “Learning” has some sort of a long term (equal to Economics’ terminology) connotations attached to it. This is absolutely not true. Learning is continuous. It happens every day, every minute, and every second of our life. This process of learning and replicating is so subconscious and so continuous, that we possibly do not even understand or stop to look at, or marvel at this process. But there are some things in life which need to be consciously learned, and replicated.

For that we need the humility. Humility, I am afraid, cannot be learned.

It was this optimism; that things just could not go wrong; which made people in US cash in on the Realty Boom. Everyone knows about the roots of this recession. But no one questions the Why. Why didn’t anyone anticipate the fall in the demand? And why didn’t anyone reassess the situation; how will things change if the demand fell? And why did anyone not act upon it?

It is not the Greed, that people so scornfully refer to, that has destroyed Economies after Economies. Greed, per se, does not destroy you. The fables of Ali Baba does not hold true in the age of Capitalism anymore. Rather, if you do not have the Greed, you probably will not explore potential areas of growth. And the importance of Growth cannot be overemphasized anywhere.

It is Humility of not accepting that Human Beings can go wrong, because they are humans.

It is Optimism, and illogical Optimism that, which makes us turn the blind eye to us being Humans.

Confessions of a Pseudo-Empath January 31, 2008

Somehow, today I feel that the language that I would be using while writing this post may not coincide with the actual feelings I wish to express. This doesn’t happen to me too often; rather it’s a case of rarity. But still, I have to continue writing this in English in hope that I am able to give shape to my actual thoughts.

 Its cold in Calcutta now. The chilly weather has been continuing for a week, with occasional showers which is bringing down the temperature furthermore. People here aren’t accustomed to the weather as such, and so for us the cold just seems quite tiresome.

 Even more tedious is the task of getting up early at about 6 to 6:30 in the morning, getting ready, commuting through the public transport and reaching the university on time. You can almost feel my disinterest and my lack of enthusiasm here when I talk about my daily adventures these days. The walk from the bus-stand to the campus is a long one, consisting of lazy, indifferent people walking so slowly through the footpaths that you can almost consider yourself to be standstill waiting for the “green signal” to allow you to move ahead of the human traffic. It is easy to get impatient and take the route by walking on the main road, but I try not to. Safety reasons withstanding, puddles of water are already present, an usual picture of Calcutta when rain has been continuing for some time.

 Everyday, I walk through the footpath, overcrowded with shops, big and small, with stalls selling magazines from PC Quest to StarDust, from local fruitsellers to small chaiwalllas. I notice an old man sitting on a stall, with socks and handkerchiefs among other things, shouting “Socks! Socks!” while people just quietly and steadily walking past him. Today is different, it is quite cold than other days. Rains lashed on to the city yesterday, and because of that the city was shivering more than usual. The man wasn’t there today, instead of his usual voice a shrill young voice shouted “Socks! Socks!”. I passed it, like everyday but not before I caught a small figure in red, a little girl, no taller than my knees yelling those words. When I had walked quite a bit, I don’t know why, but I had this strong feeling to turn back, to look again at the sight which I thought I had seen a few moments ago. And I did. I turned a bit while continuing to walk and I saw her. I met her eyes and in an instant, quite embarrassedly I turned myself again and kept walking, wondering why I had done so.

 Throughout the entire walk, I thought about her. May be her uncle or her grandfather was sick today and she was filling in for him. Did she miss her school today? Did she actually go to school? Will she actually manage to sell a pair of socks today? And on an instant, I wanted to move away from such thoughts, erasing them out as rubbish and extremely insipid or may be too immature. Even while writing now, I am constantly asking why am I spending such an amount of time and space writing about something which has got absolutely no relevance?

 Was it on my part to try and empathize? Or an attempt to try to understand people’s livelihood which is poles apart from mine? Questions such as these makes me feel small and insignificant. Who am I to judge other people and show compassion to them without even knowing who they are? Wasn’t it always me who kept on telling others that people are inconsiderate, selfish and deceitful trying to take every ounce of advantage they can from others? So, why was I trying to be different today?

 May be, I, like the rest of the people was behaving like the exact same way, empathizing with a situation with which I can never identify and only trying to camouflage this inability with my act, a fabricated emotion of showing compassion.

Lost November 21, 2007

An irreparable loss is not always about losing your loved ones, it is about losing your emotions, your memories – the moments you spent, the happiness you acquired. It is hard to reason with others regarding your loss, especially when you know that the sadness that engulfs you will never leave you. But humans, though they are the most most advanced species known in this universe, can sometimes be quite irrational. Nothing stops, no one stops for you. It even takes you with its waves, and you have no choice.

Each and everyone in this world has to come to terms with their losses. One may be stripped off their material possessions, you may be robbed or you may be careless enough to lose them. Then you buy them again, after a while and vow to be careful enough to not lose them. And you may never lose them again. But the things that you lost, they are here in this world. But they aren’t with you, they are with someone else. It is that same thing, which you had been gifted by someone, the same thing that has your human touch, a watch, a necklace, a book, a Singing in the Rain DVD which was borrowed from you and you cannot remember who.

You may think, that a loss of a material possession is nothing when compared to a loss of a person. A material possession can be replaced but not a person, not the emotions that you had and the experiences that you shared with them. But I think that it is not entirely true. I can go to a DVD store and buy the DVD again, all I need is the requisite amount of money. I cannot buy the same person, of course. But we humans learn how to stay without them. Time makes us do it. Since, replacement cannot be done, we move on, we try to forget the need that we had for the person. The experiences remain, the memories remain and we express our grief. But it stops after a while. Life, we call it, doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. And we do look for replacement, for others who can fill the void, the affection of a mother or the pillar of support that a father can be.

 But what can you say about the person who has lost his house, his profession, his security, and his family ? I cannot picture it. Disturbing pictures about killing people through point blank range or stories which I hear saying that there are far more disturbing things hidden from the public eye, doesn’t make me anxious. I cannot relate to them. To lose control on your life, may be the ultimate loss of all and may seem irrelevant to us and hence, we have considerable resolve to discuss such issues sitting in coffee shops.

 Yet, we never ask what makes us deserve a life like this and not like that?

The Void September 30, 2007

Here is a little story for you. Once upon a time, there was a city. A city filled with people. People with extraordinary ideas, talents and skills. People who came together, to share their expertise, they exhibited them and received recognition in the world stage. It was they, that made this city the haven for all artistic creations, for unconventional thoughts, for supreme innovations in music, art and culture.

But then it ended. The people left the city. Some died and with them died their legacy. Others moved to far away places in search of a better life. The city of intelligentsia was now no more. It was left with people who were ordinary and simple men and women who were clueless about how to fill up this void.

The story has continued ever since. It starts with college. Schools press upon a disciplinary code which is hard to break, and has that presence which guards the innocence and the simplicity. Once it ends, the beginning of a new world is upon us, the social interactions increase to greater heights, and the need to be in the control seat is greater than never before.

The basic idea is to differentiate yourself from the mass. In trying to be classy and chic one must constantly try to impress upon others that they are completely ignorant about the exclusive and refined facets of life. Music, art, cinema, books, philosophy — anything that you can lay your hands upon is a weapon. The “I” matters the most than the “You” in any form of conversation. Speaking rather than listening is a common feature.

It is here, that people like me who get snubbed, rather royally. That is the fun part. People have ideas, they have talents, they have thoughts and they have their interests. They need to socialize,  either through the traditional means or through the world wide web. Do they need to share their interests and thoughts?  I think Not. In this game of One-upmanship, there is only one winner. The one who has the most refined tastes of all. He who admires Nietzsche and he who has read Plato, the one who loves Franz Liszt and the one who adores Humphrey Bogart  would be the odds-on favorite. Although, the explaining bit isn’t a part of the exercise. If you were interested and genuinely curious about such exclusive interests, I am afraid the door never allows you to step in. The truth is that on the other side of the door lies the terrible void, which can never be filled up with pretension and affectation. But even pretension is an art, and pseudo-intellectualism a profession in this city and for people like me, a back seat is all it takes to enjoy the carnival.

My shortcomings June 28, 2007

How do you treat the deficiencies in you? When someone tries to hold a mirror in front of you and shows you the things that are your shortcomings. Do you treat them as shortcomings?  Do you work with your shortcomings? Or you just try to walk away from them?

Is solitude my shortcoming? The state in which I explore myself, the world and the people around me is my solitude. It gives me pleasure, the ability to see myself from a different angle, my loneliness is what goes with me, and I try and look at things through a different perspective. Thoughts overflow, and I grasp my food for thought which is there on the platter. I read, I write, I watch and I learn. Is it a shortcoming?

Are my emotions my shortcoming? When I react to people who try and judge me and possess preconceived notions about me? Come to think of it, my world would be much simpler without them. But somehow I don’t know why, I force myself into the circus. A good conversation, a pleasant outing is always welcome. But is it so difficult to keep it that way? Why can’t people be moderately polite and subsequently assertive and graciously do things which brings a proper closure? Why do people that surround me make things purposefully difficult? Why is there so much fabrication of truth, especially when the truth is about me?

The only wrong thing I committed, is trying to find out an answer to the Why. There are no answers. There are no solutions. I have been trying to mend things which are beyond my control, walking into world which isn’t my own, talking to people who aren’t my friends and trying to find the light in the dark tunnel, only to be disappointed, again. I shouldn’t do this, I hear telling myself. I can’t find anything that gives me solace.

It is just a feeling that I have which still lingers on, that I can never be what others want me to be. It seems hard but it is the truth. The paths that I want to walk on, do not lead anywhere.

I was me, but she’s gone.

I tried to find me in you.

May be that was where I was wrong.